


Thereafter

by Golden506



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Sburb/Sgrub, Psychological Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-29
Updated: 2020-03-29
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:47:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,780
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23372653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Golden506/pseuds/Golden506
Summary: "I'm not going to go into detail. You know a fair portion of it already. But it was, in a word, traumatic."
Relationships: Rose Lalonde/Kanaya Maryam
Kudos: 15





	Thereafter

Rose, sitting comfortably aside from Kanaya, paused her knitting to speak.  
  
ROSE: Do you think about the game often, Kanaya?  
KANAYA: Well  
KANAYA: I Am Not Entirely Sure Of The Tendencies Of Fellow Players In Relation To Reminiscing About Sgrub  
KANAYA: And Thus Have A Somewhat Limited Frame Of Reference With Which To Merely Define The Word Often  
KANAYA: But I Would Not Say It Is An Uncommon Occurrence  
ROSE: Hmm.  
KANAYA: Why Do You Ask  
ROSE: Just wondering.  
KANAYA: Do You Think Back On It Often  
  
A heavy pause laid over them.  
  
KANAYA: Or  
ROSE: I am simply curious about the ways in which our collective experience as players sets us apart from other inhabitants of Earth C and whether individuals find themselves viewing their experiences within the game as particularly defining in comparison to those without.  
KANAYA: Oh  
KANAYA: Okay Then  
  
*****  
  
Kanaya awoke at the sudden, pointed absence of the woman who had been beside her. The bed creaked and shifted infinitesimally, before footsteps unnaturally loud in the darkness filled the room.  
  
KANAYA: Mmh  
KANAYA: Rose  
  
She received no response. It was nothing, she thought… though the too-quick pace of Rose’s tread were hardly the steps of one calmly exiting the room. And she would surely have responded to Kanaya’s words, under any normal circumstances. Just as Kanaya began to move to follow her, Rose appeared in the doorway.  
  
KANAYA: What Happened  
ROSE: It’s nothing.  
  
She climbed back onto the bed.  
  
KANAYA: Are You Sure  
ROSE: Yes.   
  
Kanaya thought of persisting, but it was the middle of the night, and she was already slipping back into the depths of sleep. Whatever it was, it could wait till morning.  
  
KANAYA: If You Say So  
  
*****  
  
Rose handled her blade, meticulously maintained and kept sharp, as she sliced a carrot and pushed it aside. Kanaya stood nearby, helping her cook. It was no extravagant affair, and could likely have been handled by one person, but they liked to do it together. Today, though, something was off. There was the slightest hesitance in her movements, a flick of her eyes to Kanaya unwarranted, a tiny weakness in her voice, all imperceptible were Kanaya not so well acquainted with her, and so focused on whatever was now clearly troubling her.  
  
Kanaya turned, carrying with her a bowl, in time to hear a pained noise from Rose. Blood trickled down her hand, welling from a cut low on her finger. Kanaya set down the bowl and hurried over as Rose inspected it.  
  
KANAYA: Are You Okay  
ROSE: It’s fine, it’s fine. I just slipped.  
  
Kanaya hovered helplessly as Rose went to run her hand through water.  
  
KANAYA: Rose  
KANAYA: What Is Wrong  
ROSE: I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but I appear to have suffered quite the laceration.  
KANAYA: That Is Not What I Meant  
KANAYA: You Are More Careful Than That  
KANAYA: I Can Tell That You Have Been On Edge All Day  
KANAYA: And Last Night Too  
KANAYA: You Were Acting Odd Then And Have Been In Some Form For Longer  
  
Rose shut off the tap, still facing away from Kanaya.  
  
KANAYA: You Know You Can Tell Me Anything  
ROSE: I do. I just- hm.  
KANAYA: Do You Not Trust Me  
ROSE: I don’t trust myself.  
  
She sighed deeply, and turned away from the sink.  
  
ROSE: This is stupid.  
KANAYA: If It Is Bothering You It Is Not  
ROSE: Perhaps, but I should not be so hesitant to speak of it.  
KANAYA: What Is It  
KANAYA: And Why Are You Hesitant  
  
Rose walked briskly into the room adjacent and sat down, Kanaya following. For a few long moments, neither said anything.  
  
KANAYA: Well  
ROSE: Who do you see yourself as, Kanaya? And who do you aspire to be?  
KANAYA: I Can Not Say I See Myself As Anything More Than Simply Kanaya  
KANAYA: I Am Who I Am  
KANAYA: And I Have Little Issue With That  
ROSE: It isn’t always so clear cut for me.  
KANAYA: How So  
ROSE: There are countless millions of Roses in paradox space. I may have been granted narrative primacy, but that metric does not change.  
ROSE: Even within our limited perception, other versions of myself exist. Roxy’s mother and Jasprose, namely.  
ROSE: With this in mind, when one says Rose, what does that even refer to?   
ROSE: It certainly isn’t the perennial flowering plant of the family Rosaceae, at least in our use of it.  
ROSE: Further, even ignoring the convoluted minutia of paradox space and its metaphysical implications, I have always felt some duty to maintain a certain image of myself.  
ROSE: And I believe I convinced myself something along the lines of that the “real Rose” would not have the issues I was having.  
ROSE: And would subsequently not have need to discuss them.  
KANAYA: Honey  
KANAYA: That Is Bullshit  
ROSE: I’m aware.  
ROSE: It’s an image that I fully admit is not always conducive to a healthy socioemotional life.  
ROSE: It became a bit of a coping mechanism. Something to hide behind.  
ROSE: I’m doing so right now, to a degree.  
KANAYA: I Can Tell  
ROSE: Yeah.  
ROSE: It’s an issue that I’ve been aware of for quite some time.  
ROSE: I’ve simply never had the impetus to do anything about it.   
ROSE: I really should, but I don’t.  
KANAYA: There Is Nothing That You Should Be  
KANAYA: Only Who You Are  
KANAYA: There Is Nothing Wrong With Needing Help  
KANAYA: And I Am Always Going To Be Here For You  
KANAYA: Whoever Quote Unquote You May Be  
ROSE: I love you.  
KANAYA: I Love You Too  
  
Rose makes an effort to relax slightly, leaning back in her seat. Kanaya rests a hand on her arm comfortingly.   
  
ROSE: I suppose I should detail the aforementioned...  
ROSE: Issues.  
KANAYA: I Would Certainly Like To Know What You Seem So Determined To Repress  
ROSE: Indeed.  
ROSE: You might have been more adjusted to it - Alternia was a violent place - but for me, and I imagine many of the other humans, Sburb was something new.  
ROSE: Something chaotic, violent, terrifying.  
ROSE: In my session, we made relatively little talk of it. We each figured everyone else was coping far better than they really were.  
ROSE: Jade shot Dave and didn’t even realize until he was already dead.  
ROSE: And Dave knew it was coming long before, yet couldn’t say a thing. He had to face his mortality a thousand times over.  
ROSE: June watched her guardian’s blood mix with the sickly rain of Skaia, the ashen figure of Bec Noir looming over her.  
ROSE: A fate which I shared, among others.  
ROSE: I’m not going to go into detail. You know a fair portion of it already.  
ROSE: But it was, in a word, traumatic.  
ROSE: And for all my purported understanding of the human mind, I was determined for the longest time to simply get over it.  
ROSE: As I’m sure you will have guessed, it didn’t work.  
ROSE: It was foolish of me, unconscionably so.   
ROSE: This is a conversation I should’ve had a long time ago. Idiotic.  
KANAYA: No  
KANAYA: You Are Not An Idiot For Having Difficulty Talking About This Sort Of Thing  
KANAYA: It Is Clear That You Have Been Trying To Bring It Up As Of Late  
ROSE: I suppose that’s fair.  
ROSE: I just wanted to talk to someone about it. Anyone really, but you especially.  
ROSE: Which conflicted with who I was supposed to be, and well.  
ROSE: You get the idea.  
ROSE: It’s...  
  
Rose seemed to draw in upon herself further, lowering her gaze and crossing her arms. When she spoke again, there was a waver and stiltedness to her tone that had not been present before.  
  
ROSE: I said I wouldn’t go into detail.  
KANAYA: It Is Fine if You Do  
ROSE: It doesn’t get better.  
ROSE: Not on its own. If anything, it only gets worse.  
ROSE: More stressful, more anxiety inducing.  
ROSE: The last few nights in particular have been difficult.  
ROSE: When I was vaporised in the Green Sun alongside my brother, it was quick.  
ROSE: But not instant.  
ROSE: And I was all too aware of what was happening.  
ROSE: Before, too. With me and June.  
ROSE: As soon as I saw Noir’s blade move I knew where it would go.  
ROSE: There was nothing I could do but watch.  
ROSE: As I still do now, again and again.  
ROSE: I’ve watched you take a trident to the throat a thousand times, and felt it cut into mine a thousand more.  
ROSE: Fuck.  
KANAYA: I Am Sorry That You Have To Go Through This  
ROSE: It’s fine.  
KANAYA: Is It Really  
ROSE: No.  
ROSE: I feel broken, used up. Like the game has taken its fill of my sanity and tossed me out to come to terms with it, alone.  
  
She glanced up at Kanaya with slightly more hope.  
  
ROSE: Even if I’m not.  
ROSE: It’s usually tolerable, at least, but sometimes it seems like any moment an imp, Noir, or the Condence will just come around the corner.  
ROSE: Especially when I’m trying to sleep. I try not to wake you, but sometimes I just need to get away from everything.  
KANAYA: It Is Fine  
KANAYA: I Do Not Mind It At All If It Helps You  
ROSE: You shouldn’t have to deal with that.  
KANAYA: Rose That Is Next To Nothing Compared To What You Go Through I Think I Will Be Fine  
ROSE: You shouldn’t have to deal with any of this.  
ROSE: It isn’t your responsibility to put up with my bullshit.  
KANAYA: Considering That I Am Your Wife It Kind Of Is  
KANAYA: But This Is Not Bullshit  
KANAYA: This Is You Facing Your Issues  
KANAYA: And I Am So So Proud Of You For It  
ROSE: A step in the right direction, perhaps.  
KANAYA: A Step Counts For A Lot  
  
Kanaya shifted closer to Rose.  
  
KANAYA: This Is Clearly Difficult For You  
KANAYA: But You Are Progressing Admirably In Spite Of That  
KANAYA: You Are Making A Change And Can Continue To Do So  
KANAYA: I Am Here For You  
KANAYA: All Of Us Are  
KANAYA: I Am Sure Some Of Your Compatriots From Your Session Would Have Valuable Insight  
KANAYA: As Would A Mental Professional  
ROSE: It’s certainly true that the value of an actual psychological expert cannot be overstated.  
KANAYA: Indeed  
  
Kanaya pulled Rose towards her. She went along limply, burying her face into Kanaya’s shoulder before murmuring quietly.  
  
ROSE: I love you so much, Kanaya.  
KANAYA: It Is Going To Be Okay  
KANAYA: We Will Get Through This  
KANAYA: I Love You Too  
  



End file.
